Sunday, March 31, 2013

When I die...


     I recently had the privilege of hearing my friend Sheila speak at our church. She spoke on the topic of everyone having an expiration date. Her point was to make sure you were right with the Lord, which I am certain I am (If you are not, you are welcome to message me in the comment field and I will happily tell you more about why I believe this). She also talked about how no one knows  when they will die, and that we need to make sure that we have prepared for the end of our life, even going so far as to plan out our funeral, and to make sure there is nothing in your home that you would not want someone to eventually find. Because they will.
     This got me thinking about those little things I have hidden. Like my chocolate stash. And my Nutella stash. (Oh, now don't get all self righteous on me. You know you have them too!!!) And I just wanted to say, that if it happens to be you who finds it, you are welcome to keep any and all of the chocolate, but I recommend that you toss the Nutella. If we are going to be honest, (And really, if not now, then when?) I double dip. Yep it's true. Anything in the pantry does NOT get the double dip treatment (By me anyway....who really knows with 3 kids?) But if you happen to see me quietly walk down the hall to my room with a spoon in my hand, you know whats gonna go down. It might not be pretty, it certainly isn't sanitary, but it's mine. Until I die....
     Double-dippin' till the end
     Miss Jodi

Friday, March 29, 2013

Our visit to the vet

     Either you are an "Animal person, or you are not. (And as a disclaimer, I would advise you NOT to continue reading this if you are in the first category.)You can either watch an ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan singing "I will remember you" or "In the arms of an angel," or you can't. I readily admit to being an animal lover. Oh, not the Vegetarian-save-the-whales kind,  I like BBQ too much for that. No, I'm more along the lines of a meat-eating-appreciator of animals.
     I enjoy raising chickens and selling the eggs to people who want to buy "Organic" for about $4.00 a dozen so I can stop by Stater Brothers and get a dozen for about a buck. I believe animals are here to either feed us, or serve us. Except for my dog Pixie. She gets away with not doing much more than barking at the occasional neighbor passing by. She is about 9 years old now. My faithful companion. Loyal, adoring. And...well, stinky. Not by choice. She is just old. With rotting teeth. We actually refer to her at times, as Zombie-dog. I know she is in need of some teeth being extracted, but whats stopping me is a vet bill.
     Now hear me out before you judge.  I am a responsible pet owner. I get  them spayed, they have their immunizations and are supplied food, fresh water and shelter at all times. Which brings me to our visit to the vet....I got a coupon in the mail for a FREE pet exam, and if it's free, it's for me.
     At the office visit, Pixie was well taken care of and given enough doggy treats to feed a pack of feral dogs. She was happy, I was happy. Until the doctor told me the treatment necessary and of course the cost of said treatment. $250. Plus. I then asked how much euthanasia cost. The doctors mouth actually fell open.
     You see, in my home we have a cap for animal care costs. It is about $100. Anything over that and we either try to do it ourselves, or as my friend recently said to me, "We snuff  'em out".In a humane way of course. I wouldn't get my machete out or anything like that.  In our society, we have begun to place the value of our pets above people. We have twisted our thinking to the point that we will do anything for them. We even have little  doggy outfits. It's wrong people. It's just wrong. Animals should serve us, we should not dress them up.
     If you are wondering what became of Zombie, oops I mean Pixie, I have to admit to you that I was a coward. After the doctor acted like I was a serial killer for even suggesting that I put her down, I respectfully declined her recommended treatment and decided to keep her and treat her with a special ($25. disinfecting) mouthwash. I'm a sucker. And FYI, she is sitting here next to me, and of course I have a jasmine scented candle burning to help kill the smell.
     Till next time,
     Miss Jodi

Wednesday, March 27, 2013



     Lets face it, embarrassing your teenager is great entertainment. It's going to happen anyway, so you may as well enjoy it. To get you started, I have compiled 5 tips that have helped me in my Teenager Mortification Career that might just assist you in mastering your new hobby:
     1.) Talk like them.
     You can do this by visiting a website with something called Memes. Simply enter Memes into your search engine. Once there you will find a wide variety of different topics to look at. Choose one, especially one that looks familiar and pull it up. Here is a sample from the recent Olympics. It is titled, "McKayla is not impressed."

     You could, as an example, insert this phrase into a conversation you may be having with your teen after school...
     Teen: "Hey Mom, I got an A on my English essay today!"
     Mom: (While making this face and folding your arms just like McKayla) "McKayla is not impressed." You could also use words from your High School years. Cool. Dope. Rad. You get the idea.Or, you could make something up and use it in place of a common word. At our house, we use the phrase "Corn-Fed." We use it in place of pretty much anything, which makes it HIGHLY annoying to our kids. For instance, "Hey, did you see that the Lakers won last night? That was CORN-FED!" Or, "I thought I asked you to take out the trash an HOUR ago! You're acting really CORN-FED right now!"

     2.) Dress like them:
     Watch carefully how the kids at your child's school are dressing. Saggy pants for the boys? Skinny jeans for the girls? Chalked hair? Facial piercings? Find several trends and begin following them.What I have found to work best, is a trend that my own child is doing. You could even go so far as to "Borrow" from their closet.

     3.)  Public displays of affection with them:
     Do you have special nick name for each of your family members? Pookie? Kitten? Boo-boo-Bear? Stinkie-Bottom? The worse it is, the bigger the reaction you will get. Especially in front of their peers. Another PDA would be insisting on a kiss or a hug, or patting their back. Any of these would work well.

     4.)  Public displays of affection with your spouse:
     OK this is where it gets fun. You think nicknames with the kids got a good reaction? Try using your spouses special nickname when in public. Or better yet, get a good kiss. In front of everyone. And act like you don't notice anyone else around you. You know, like when you were dating? Even an approving, "Mmm Hmmmmm." while giving your Snookims an approving once over would work.
This is some serious gross factoring here for the kids.

     5.)Dance in front of their friends:
     Again, the Internet is your friend. Look up "Popular dances," and try to perfect them. Better yet? Make up your own.Then, when their friends come over and a song comes on, you can show them your skills. The best thing to do is an old move from your day. Break dance, Disco, The Hustle, you get it right? Expect gagging noises and eye rolling.
     As you practice these five tips, I guarantee you will come up with some of your own. Feel free to let me know what you do. I could always use some fresh ideas.
     Miss Jodi

Monday, March 25, 2013

The bunny

     Remember the Russel Stover solid milk chocolate Easter bunny? I would always start with the ears. Then the feet. Pretty soon he was just a head and body. I would usually get sick of him and end up putting him away in a drawer, well hidden from my siblings until I decided to finish him off. Of course by then he was covered with lint and no longer appealing, so I'd throw his remains in the trash. I did eat the whole thing once. I got sicker than a dog too. I wouldn't recommend it. Ever.
     Today however, I could polish one off in two bites. Because they are HOLLOW! Whose horrible idea was that? I understand cutting corners, but a hollow chocolate bunny? THAT is depressing. As a matter of fact, it leaves me feeling empty inside....
     Happy Easter Y'all, and remember, it's not about the bunny.
     Till next time,
     Miss Jodi

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Kids eat free

     We don't eat out together with our family much any more. Oh, it's not that we don't enjoy it. And thank God we are past the "Toddler"years when just going out is putting yourself at risk for public humiliation, not to mention dirty looks from parent with grown children who have forgotten what it is like, or the whispers. You know what I'm talking about, the whispers of, "If SOME people would only teach their children to behave, we could enjoy this meal!" (Not that I would ever be so judgemental...well, not since I had my own kids anyway.)
     The real reason? It's because my kids no longer eat off the kids menu. Yep. They don't even qualify for the "Kids-eat-free-between-the hours-of-4:00-and-4:13-pm-on-the-2nd-Thursday-of every-month-ending-in-ST." And good grief it's expensive! If we DO go out, you'll find me whispering loudly, "Water ONLY, NO SODA!!!" Because a soft drink is another $3.50 a person. I wouldn't say we are cheap. We just like getting something for what we pay for, and a memory of a luke-warm-overpriced-cheeseburger just ain't gonna cut it.
     If you ask me (And c'mon, by now you know well enough that you don't need to), I think that restaurants might want to consider having a "Young adult menu." They could put a bunch of junk food on it, which is easy to fix and inexpensive, make it a dollar or two cheaper than the regular menu, and add a free soft drink. Did you know it costs less than .50 a soda anyway? I know I would go. Not often, but more frequently than I do now. Or, how about a "Parents eat free night?" THAT, my friends, would get me in the door.
     Until then, we will eat at home, Thank you very much.
     Miss Jodi

Donut delights

     I never really liked donuts very much. Maybe because we grew up with a cheesy Windmill shaped donut shop up the street, and Momma had the habit of going there every few days and buying the "Day-olds." So, perhaps the fact that all the donuts I ever ate were stale and dry with flaky icing on them had something to do with it. I just didn't understand the Krispy-Kreme craze a few years back, or why everyone was so nuts about Winchell's. I did actually try  a Krispy-Kreme once, and didn't find it to be spectacular in any way, shape or form.
     Until......... for some reason, still unclear to this day, we bought a dozen donuts from the grocery store. Thought it would be nice to have for breakfast on a Sunday morning. Sounds innocent enough, right? Little did I know, that when I bit into that ordinary grocery store-chocolate-glazed donut, it would awake in me, donut desires I never even knew existed. Rapturous. Euphoric. Bliss. Surrender. Abandon.
     Slightly sweet, soft, fluffy, dough. Deep fried to a golden perfection. And, as if all that donut goodness  wasn't enough? It was topped with a sugary glaze, and THEN? THEN, top that with chocolate frosting! (Insert the voices of angels singing here) I was no longer satisfied with the careless picking apart and dissection of a donut, which was then carelessly cast aside like a candy wrapper. No. It took two, Yes you read correctly. Two donuts to satisfy me.
     I wisely decided that donuts and I had an unhealthy relationship. We could no longer be together. The days of Glazed and Crullers, Boston filled creme and Long Johns, Sprinkled, Buttermilk glazed, and Old fashioned-Cake, must come to an end. I said good bye to my fluffy, glazed and frosted voluptuous lover. But not forever....Every once in a while, he still calls to me. It starts as a whisper, and slowly becomes a clear voice. Usually from the Sunrise Donut shop on Main Street, sometimes from the grocery store. He calls to me. And I answer.
     Hungry for donuts
     Miss Jodi

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

It's all a game my friends

     Please do NOT tell me you are one of those parents that would rather do the chore yourself than have your child do it incorrectly? Please? Because if you are, you have been had. It's all a ruse. In other words: trick, dodge, wile. Or my all time favorite, PUNKED. Yep.
     They know how to do pretty much EVERYTHING you have shown them, and much more that they will not admit to. They simply choose not to do it. Or, they intentionally do it wrong, or take a short cut, so that when you see how pathetic the finished job is, you will, out of sheer frustration after having shown them 63 times already, do it yourself.
     I know that I may have to go into hiding after this gets out. But for you, I will take the risk. So there you have it. Light shed on a dark topic. Teenagers are brilliant. Don't let them fool you into thinking otherwise!
     Till next time,
     Miss (Been there myself) Jodi


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Spring is here!

          I don't know about you, but I love spring! Just when I think I cannot stand another drab, colorless day of Winter, it is replaced with vibrant yellow Daffodils and cheerful red Tulips. So hopeful and promising. New life. New beginnings. Babies. And everyone loves babies, right? I know I do. Especially baby birds. So sweet. So tiny. So....noisy. Especially right outside my bedroom window. At 5 AM..
     And at that moment, when those darling baby birdies start their THAT moment, I begin to think murderous thoughts about those dear babies. Thoughts like, how I could make the tiniest of "Cornish-hens," or little bitty hot wings, or maybe even Bar-B-Que them.
     I feel horrible about these thoughts. And I honestly have never acted on them. (Yet.) But Summer is not yet here. And until the last of the baby birdies has grown up and flown away, I cannot promise you what will happen the next time I am awakened from my already light slumber. I cannot.
     Happy Spring  Y'all
     Miss Jodi (AKA Baby-birdie-hater)

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Baked vs. Fried

          Do you remember Mc Donald's deep fried apple and cherry pies? Have mercy! Those babies were good! If you haven't had the pleasure, I apologize. And I feel sorry for you. They were amazing. Like, REALLY amazing. They were so good, that even though they came straight out of the deep fryer, and you risked third degree burns, you ate it. Immediately. So what if you permanently lost a a portion of your tongue? THAT good.
     Now however, in the name of health and nutrition, they are baked. Yeah. Can you feel the enthusiasm? No?  Maybe 'cause it's not there. I am all for healthier foods and eating right. But some things shouldn't be messed with. Deep fried pies are one of them. C'mon now. The near boiling temperature itself is enough to keep you from eating more than one. It's not like we would chow down on them. So, Mc Donald's, I respectfully request, that you bring back the pie. Fried not baked. Thank you very much.
     Miss Jodi

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Make money at home!

     Origami Owl, Do Terra essential oils, Scentsy, Pampered Chef. So many choices, so many ways to make money at home. (Sound of screeching brakes) But can you really make money with these at home businesses? Lets look at a few common traits these companies have and help you come up with your own answer.
     First of all, most of these companies require you to buy their start up kit which ranges in price between $100. and $200. They have 3 goals here. #1, they want you  to value their product, #2 they do not want to invest in you at all, and #3 they want to get you hooked like crack cocaine on their product.
     Secondly, they want you to have "Parties." Again, YOU pay for everything from food to advertisement to samples. You also have to call all of your friends and family who owe you. For instance, let's say you went to your neighbor Shirley's house last week and bought a stoneware pizza wheel for $30. Shirley now is required to come to your party and buy $30. worth of worthless crap she will probably never use. Then you are even.
     Thirdly, the more people you can convince to buy into this company and become a "Representative" AKA Sales person, the higher percentage of sales you will make. For instance, the beginning percentage of sales you make may be 5% and you will be allowed to purchase more of the product at a 10% discount. But, if you get three people to join your "Team", you will then get 10% of your sales and the sales of everyone under you and your discount goes up to 15%.  Enticing right? Especially if you are convinced that you can't live without this product.
     By this point, you have invested over $100. from your grocery budget and countless hours advertising, begging your Friends to come to a party, and are in the throws of addiction. You cannot admit all this to your loved ones. You are disgraced, shamed, humiliated. You have no option but to continue on and hope against hope that you will see a profit in the near future.  What can you possibly do?
     My advice? And I know you want it... "You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. And know when to run. You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table, they'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done." OK the last sentence was not as appropriate, but c'mon! That song is AWESOME!!!So in other words, get out while you can.  Don't get deeper in the business hole. Walk away my friend. Find another way to make some cash from home.
     Need a business idea? I'll share with you one that I have been thinking about for a while now: Moonshine. That's right, Mountain-dew, Juice, White-Lightning, Moonshizzle, Corn-shuckin's,  or  Creek-water.Yep. Just think about it. Low overhead, high profits. Minimal supplies. Really, what would you need? Some corn mash (around $15.), fresh creek water, 200lbs of sugar, some Mason jars, a couple of handsome, strong, young corn fed hill billy boys to help with the heavy work, and a still. I've looked around and have yet to find a still, but I'm going to keep on trying. Let me know if you find one will you?
     Of course, you would have to take up some nick names. Something that has Billy, Bob, Joe, Junior, or Paw in it to give you some credibility. And a quiet location somewhere out in the woods, far far away from  Po Po.
     There would be no need to get people to join in under you. Right away you get 100% of the profits. NO need to share. A great family business if you ask me.So there you have it. The in's and outs of a home based business. The spirit of entrepreneurialism is still alive and well in America.  Best of luck to you.
     Till next time,
     Miss Billy Bob

Happy birthday Barbie!

     Happy birthday Barbie!  Since your debut in 1959, you have been the direct cause of countless food related disorders from Bulimia to Anorexia, and the reason so many women and girls have a distorted body image. I am sorry to share your measurements with my friends out here in Blog-ville, but, judging from the fact that while I was growing up, you seemed to prefer to be nude, I don't think you will mind.
     Dear friends: Here are some facts about our old friend Barbie that I thought you might find to be of interest. (Found on Pintrest). Every second of every day, 2 Barbie's are purchased. If she were human, her height would be 5'9, her bust 39", her waist 18' and her hips 33'. She would weigh 110 pounds.
     I don't know about you, but this is all unrealistic and unobtainable to me. I think, it is high time we have a dolly that our girls can look up to. How about an everyday Super Hero Dolly? Maybe one that can handle being  up throughout the night with a newborn baby and still get the kids to school on time, do a load of laundry, take a quick shower and pick up bread and eggs at the store before picking the kids back up from school, and get dinner ready, lovingly greet hubby as he returns from his day at work, bath the kids, get permission slips signed and into back packs along with tomorrows lunch, (which may be as simple as a piece of bread or a bruised banana), read stories, feed the baby, put them all to bed before falling exhausted into bed for a 30 minute nap before waking to care for the baby every 2 hours throughout the night and start all over again tomorrow. Or, maybe a career lady, who goes to work, taking care of every need her employer may have, coming home and miraculously taking care of her family before retiring for the night. Or, maybe one who works throughout the night, comes home sleeps for an hour or two, and wakes in time to make dinner and help with the kids? Um, yeah, I just don't think that is gonna happen.
     Am I totally against Barbie dolls? Nah. I even gave some to my own kids. I think they have their place. They even teach up some valuable life skills. How else are we to learn how to wrangle tight fitting Velcro closing clothes , detangle plastic hair, or to coordinate our outfits with our Corvettes or Dream houses, or teach us and our male siblings what a normal woman looks like, or how to susussefullystart a nudist colony? See? They can surely be beneficial in our society.
     I am just glad that we have progressed in the toys we make. At the very least, now she comes with permanent plastic panties. If you ask me, Barbie is an exhibitionist. She may have a great fashion sense and great jobs, but she may not be the best role model for our girls. So who is? Might I suggest that we all ? So, I end my rant, eh, I mean post, with a salute to all hard working Mommas out there. Remember that our girls are looking up to us and are watching what we do.
     Bitter with Barbie,
     Miss Jodi

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


     As I sit here listening to my husband patiently helping our daughter with her Algebra homework, the thought occurred to me, that I would rather go through child birth again (And I am SOOOOOOOOOO done with that!) than have to deal with Algebra . Seriously. Child birth. THINK about that for just a minute. The most excruciating pain on earth. ON EARTH.
     I do feel sorry for them. It is a rather pointless practice. I mean, negative numbers?  How is THAT going to help you in life? Which leads me to the question all High School students have asked at one time or another: "Why do I need to learn this?"
     Here is the answer, "You need to learn Algebra, so that you can help YOUR children with their Algebra homework one day.  Quite a revelation isn't it?
     Till next time,
     Miss Jodi

Monday, March 4, 2013

All things French

     OK, I get the romantic feelings that France can evoke. I really do. But this French madness that is going on out there in Blog-ville is just getting out of control. Y'all need to pull it together. YES there have been some good things that have come out of France. Oh, I don't know... such as, French bread, French Bull dogs, Berets, French Roasted coffee, French perfume, and French Fries. But don't you think we are overdoing it a bit? "French inspired nurseries?"  "How to throw a French soiree?" "French kissing?" Really? It's a bit much if you ask me. You are in America people. Do you think people in France are designing their nurseries with American themes? I don't think so. And they are laughing at us. Right now. While wearing little red berets. How do I know this? Don't worry about it. I just do. So take my advice. Knock it off already.
     Till next time,
     Miss Jodi


Saturday, March 2, 2013

hope against hope

     For YEARS I have been hoping that the nasty little "Flem-Creatures" created by Mucinex would just dry up and disappear. They are almost as bad as the toe nail fungus creature...almost. Now I totally understand that the company wants us to remember their product, and they are quite effective in their methods...but, because I associate  it with those monsters, I would never purchase it. So, I was thinking, if I promise to buy a box, will you 86 the Phlegm creatures? Because I will. I would. If you could just make them go away....
     Till next time,
     Miss Jodi

Friday, March 1, 2013

Ain't nobody got time for that

     I don't know how many times I have heard someone talking about Face Book, reading, or some other activity and another person pipes up and says, "Oh I don't have time for THAT." Well, really, what you are implying is that the person has no life. That YOU are clearly more productive and a better contributor to society. But, when you think about it, we all have time for whatever activities interest us. I may enjoy browsing Pintrest for ideas on how to decorate my imaginary mountain chateau, and you may enjoy playing mind numbingly pointless video games killing zombies. Who cares? Don't go around making someone feel bad about their leisure activities simply because they don't interest you. And if you do, at least have the guts to tell it like it is. Next time, instead of beating around the bush, just have the courage to say something truthful like,"By spending time ____________, you clearly show the world that you have no value what so ever. GET A LIFE." I would find that much more respectful than an insinuation.
     Till next time,
     Miss Jodi