Sunday, March 31, 2013
I recently had the privilege of hearing my friend Sheila speak at our church. She spoke on the topic of everyone having an expiration date. Her point was to make sure you were right with the Lord, which I am certain I am (If you are not, you are welcome to message me in the comment field and I will happily tell you more about why I believe this). She also talked about how no one knows when they will die, and that we need to make sure that we have prepared for the end of our life, even going so far as to plan out our funeral, and to make sure there is nothing in your home that you would not want someone to eventually find. Because they will.
This got me thinking about those little things I have hidden. Like my chocolate stash. And my Nutella stash. (Oh, now don't get all self righteous on me. You know you have them too!!!) And I just wanted to say, that if it happens to be you who finds it, you are welcome to keep any and all of the chocolate, but I recommend that you toss the Nutella. If we are going to be honest, (And really, if not now, then when?) I double dip. Yep it's true. Anything in the pantry does NOT get the double dip treatment (By me anyway....who really knows with 3 kids?) But if you happen to see me quietly walk down the hall to my room with a spoon in my hand, you know whats gonna go down. It might not be pretty, it certainly isn't sanitary, but it's mine. Until I die....
Double-dippin' till the end
Friday, March 29, 2013
Either you are an "Animal person, or you are not. (And as a disclaimer, I would advise you NOT to continue reading this if you are in the first category.)You can either watch an ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan singing "I will remember you" or "In the arms of an angel," or you can't. I readily admit to being an animal lover. Oh, not the Vegetarian-save-the-whales kind, I like BBQ too much for that. No, I'm more along the lines of a meat-eating-appreciator of animals.
I enjoy raising chickens and selling the eggs to people who want to buy "Organic" for about $4.00 a dozen so I can stop by Stater Brothers and get a dozen for about a buck. I believe animals are here to either feed us, or serve us. Except for my dog Pixie. She gets away with not doing much more than barking at the occasional neighbor passing by. She is about 9 years old now. My faithful companion. Loyal, adoring. And...well, stinky. Not by choice. She is just old. With rotting teeth. We actually refer to her at times, as Zombie-dog. I know she is in need of some teeth being extracted, but whats stopping me is a vet bill.
Now hear me out before you judge. I am a responsible pet owner. I get them spayed, they have their immunizations and are supplied food, fresh water and shelter at all times. Which brings me to our visit to the vet....I got a coupon in the mail for a FREE pet exam, and if it's free, it's for me.
At the office visit, Pixie was well taken care of and given enough doggy treats to feed a pack of feral dogs. She was happy, I was happy. Until the doctor told me the treatment necessary and of course the cost of said treatment. $250. Plus. I then asked how much euthanasia cost. The doctors mouth actually fell open.
You see, in my home we have a cap for animal care costs. It is about $100. Anything over that and we either try to do it ourselves, or as my friend recently said to me, "We snuff 'em out".In a humane way of course. I wouldn't get my machete out or anything like that. In our society, we have begun to place the value of our pets above people. We have twisted our thinking to the point that we will do anything for them. We even have little doggy outfits. It's wrong people. It's just wrong. Animals should serve us, we should not dress them up.
If you are wondering what became of Zombie, oops I mean Pixie, I have to admit to you that I was a coward. After the doctor acted like I was a serial killer for even suggesting that I put her down, I respectfully declined her recommended treatment and decided to keep her and treat her with a special ($25. disinfecting) mouthwash. I'm a sucker. And FYI, she is sitting here next to me, and of course I have a jasmine scented candle burning to help kill the smell.
Till next time,
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Lets face it, embarrassing your teenager is great entertainment. It's going to happen anyway, so you may as well enjoy it. To get you started, I have compiled 5 tips that have helped me in my Teenager Mortification Career that might just assist you in mastering your new hobby:
1.) Talk like them.
You can do this by visiting a website with something called Memes. Simply enter Memes into your search engine. Once there you will find a wide variety of different topics to look at. Choose one, especially one that looks familiar and pull it up. Here is a sample from the recent Olympics. It is titled, "McKayla is not impressed."
Teen: "Hey Mom, I got an A on my English essay today!"
Mom: (While making this face and folding your arms just like McKayla) "McKayla is not impressed." You could also use words from your High School years. Cool. Dope. Rad. You get the idea.Or, you could make something up and use it in place of a common word. At our house, we use the phrase "Corn-Fed." We use it in place of pretty much anything, which makes it HIGHLY annoying to our kids. For instance, "Hey, did you see that the Lakers won last night? That was CORN-FED!" Or, "I thought I asked you to take out the trash an HOUR ago! You're acting really CORN-FED right now!"
2.) Dress like them:
Watch carefully how the kids at your child's school are dressing. Saggy pants for the boys? Skinny jeans for the girls? Chalked hair? Facial piercings? Find several trends and begin following them.What I have found to work best, is a trend that my own child is doing. You could even go so far as to "Borrow" from their closet.
3.) Public displays of affection with them:
Do you have special nick name for each of your family members? Pookie? Kitten? Boo-boo-Bear? Stinkie-Bottom? The worse it is, the bigger the reaction you will get. Especially in front of their peers. Another PDA would be insisting on a kiss or a hug, or patting their back. Any of these would work well.
4.) Public displays of affection with your spouse:
OK this is where it gets fun. You think nicknames with the kids got a good reaction? Try using your spouses special nickname when in public. Or better yet, get a good kiss. In front of everyone. And act like you don't notice anyone else around you. You know, like when you were dating? Even an approving, "Mmm Hmmmmm." while giving your Snookims an approving once over would work.
This is some serious gross factoring here for the kids.
5.)Dance in front of their friends:
Again, the Internet is your friend. Look up "Popular dances," and try to perfect them. Better yet? Make up your own.Then, when their friends come over and a song comes on, you can show them your skills. The best thing to do is an old move from your day. Break dance, Disco, The Hustle, you get it right? Expect gagging noises and eye rolling.
As you practice these five tips, I guarantee you will come up with some of your own. Feel free to let me know what you do. I could always use some fresh ideas.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Remember the Russel Stover solid milk chocolate Easter bunny? I would always start with the ears. Then the feet. Pretty soon he was just a head and body. I would usually get sick of him and end up putting him away in a drawer, well hidden from my siblings until I decided to finish him off. Of course by then he was covered with lint and no longer appealing, so I'd throw his remains in the trash. I did eat the whole thing once. I got sicker than a dog too. I wouldn't recommend it. Ever.
Happy Easter Y'all, and remember, it's not about the bunny.
Till next time,
Sunday, March 24, 2013
The real reason? It's because my kids no longer eat off the kids menu. Yep. They don't even qualify for the "Kids-eat-free-between-the hours-of-4:00-and-4:13-pm-on-the-2nd-Thursday-of every-month-ending-in-ST." And good grief it's expensive! If we DO go out, you'll find me whispering loudly, "Water ONLY, NO SODA!!!" Because a soft drink is another $3.50 a person. I wouldn't say we are cheap. We just like getting something for what we pay for, and a memory of a luke-warm-overpriced-cheeseburger just ain't gonna cut it.
If you ask me (And c'mon, by now you know well enough that you don't need to), I think that restaurants might want to consider having a "Young adult menu." They could put a bunch of junk food on it, which is easy to fix and inexpensive, make it a dollar or two cheaper than the regular menu, and add a free soft drink. Did you know it costs less than .50 a soda anyway? I know I would go. Not often, but more frequently than I do now. Or, how about a "Parents eat free night?" THAT, my friends, would get me in the door.
Until then, we will eat at home, Thank you very much.
I never really liked donuts very much. Maybe because we grew up with a cheesy Windmill shaped donut shop up the street, and Momma had the habit of going there every few days and buying the "Day-olds." So, perhaps the fact that all the donuts I ever ate were stale and dry with flaky icing on them had something to do with it. I just didn't understand the Krispy-Kreme craze a few years back, or why everyone was so nuts about Winchell's. I did actually try a Krispy-Kreme once, and didn't find it to be spectacular in any way, shape or form.
Until......... for some reason, still unclear to this day, we bought a dozen donuts from the grocery store. Thought it would be nice to have for breakfast on a Sunday morning. Sounds innocent enough, right? Little did I know, that when I bit into that ordinary grocery store-chocolate-glazed donut, it would awake in me, donut desires I never even knew existed. Rapturous. Euphoric. Bliss. Surrender. Abandon.
Slightly sweet, soft, fluffy, dough. Deep fried to a golden perfection. And, as if all that donut goodness wasn't enough? It was topped with a sugary glaze, and THEN? THEN, top that with chocolate frosting! (Insert the voices of angels singing here) I was no longer satisfied with the careless picking apart and dissection of a donut, which was then carelessly cast aside like a candy wrapper. No. It took two, Yes you read correctly. Two donuts to satisfy me.
I wisely decided that donuts and I had an unhealthy relationship. We could no longer be together. The days of Glazed and Crullers, Boston filled creme and Long Johns, Sprinkled, Buttermilk glazed, and Old fashioned-Cake, must come to an end. I said good bye to my fluffy, glazed and frosted voluptuous lover. But not forever....Every once in a while, he still calls to me. It starts as a whisper, and slowly becomes a clear voice. Usually from the Sunrise Donut shop on Main Street, sometimes from the grocery store. He calls to me. And I answer.
Hungry for donuts
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
They know how to do pretty much EVERYTHING you have shown them, and much more that they will not admit to. They simply choose not to do it. Or, they intentionally do it wrong, or take a short cut, so that when you see how pathetic the finished job is, you will, out of sheer frustration after having shown them 63 times already, do it yourself.
I know that I may have to go into hiding after this gets out. But for you, I will take the risk. So there you have it. Light shed on a dark topic. Teenagers are brilliant. Don't let them fool you into thinking otherwise!
Till next time,
Miss (Been there myself) Jodi
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
And at that moment, when those darling baby birdies start their high-pitched-mind-numbingly-repetitious-ear-piercing-chirping....at THAT moment, I begin to think murderous thoughts about those dear babies. Thoughts like, how I could make the tiniest of "Cornish-hens," or little bitty hot wings, or maybe even Bar-B-Que them.
I feel horrible about these thoughts. And I honestly have never acted on them. (Yet.) But Summer is not yet here. And until the last of the baby birdies has grown up and flown away, I cannot promise you what will happen the next time I am awakened from my already light slumber. I cannot.
Happy Spring Y'all
Miss Jodi (AKA Baby-birdie-hater)
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Now however, in the name of health and nutrition, they are baked. Yeah. Can you feel the enthusiasm? No? Maybe 'cause it's not there. I am all for healthier foods and eating right. But some things shouldn't be messed with. Deep fried pies are one of them. C'mon now. The near boiling temperature itself is enough to keep you from eating more than one. It's not like we would chow down on them. So, Mc Donald's, I respectfully request, that you bring back the pie. Fried not baked. Thank you very much.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Origami Owl, Do Terra essential oils, Scentsy, Pampered Chef. So many choices, so many ways to make money at home. (Sound of screeching brakes) But can you really make money with these at home businesses? Lets look at a few common traits these companies have and help you come up with your own answer.
First of all, most of these companies require you to buy their start up kit which ranges in price between $100. and $200. They have 3 goals here. #1, they want you to value their product, #2 they do not want to invest in you at all, and #3 they want to get you hooked like crack cocaine on their product.
Secondly, they want you to have "Parties." Again, YOU pay for everything from food to advertisement to samples. You also have to call all of your friends and family who owe you. For instance, let's say you went to your neighbor Shirley's house last week and bought a stoneware pizza wheel for $30. Shirley now is required to come to your party and buy $30. worth of worthless crap she will probably never use. Then you are even.
Thirdly, the more people you can convince to buy into this company and become a "Representative" AKA Sales person, the higher percentage of sales you will make. For instance, the beginning percentage of sales you make may be 5% and you will be allowed to purchase more of the product at a 10% discount. But, if you get three people to join your "Team", you will then get 10% of your sales and the sales of everyone under you and your discount goes up to 15%. Enticing right? Especially if you are convinced that you can't live without this product.
By this point, you have invested over $100. from your grocery budget and countless hours advertising, begging your Friends to come to a party, and are in the throws of addiction. You cannot admit all this to your loved ones. You are disgraced, shamed, humiliated. You have no option but to continue on and hope against hope that you will see a profit in the near future. What can you possibly do?
Need a business idea? I'll share with you one that I have been thinking about for a while now: Moonshine. That's right, Mountain-dew, Juice, White-Lightning, Moonshizzle, Corn-shuckin's, or Creek-water.Yep. Just think about it. Low overhead, high profits. Minimal supplies. Really, what would you need? Some corn mash (around $15.), fresh creek water, 200lbs of sugar, some Mason jars, a couple of handsome, strong, young corn fed hill billy boys to help with the heavy work, and a still. I've looked around and have yet to find a still, but I'm going to keep on trying. Let me know if you find one will you?
Of course, you would have to take up some nick names. Something that has Billy, Bob, Joe, Junior, or Paw in it to give you some credibility. And a quiet location somewhere out in the woods, far far away from Po Po.
There would be no need to get people to join in under you. Right away you get 100% of the profits. NO need to share. A great family business if you ask me.So there you have it. The in's and outs of a home based business. The spirit of entrepreneurialism is still alive and well in America. Best of luck to you.
Till next time,
Miss Billy Bob
Happy birthday Barbie! Since your debut in 1959, you have been the direct cause of countless food related disorders from Bulimia to Anorexia, and the reason so many women and girls have a distorted body image. I am sorry to share your measurements with my friends out here in Blog-ville, but, judging from the fact that while I was growing up, you seemed to prefer to be nude, I don't think you will mind.
I don't know about you, but this is all unrealistic and unobtainable to me. I think, it is high time we have a dolly that our girls can look up to. How about an everyday Super Hero Dolly? Maybe one that can handle being up throughout the night with a newborn baby and still get the kids to school on time, do a load of laundry, take a quick shower and pick up bread and eggs at the store before picking the kids back up from school, and get dinner ready, lovingly greet hubby as he returns from his day at work, bath the kids, get permission slips signed and into back packs along with tomorrows lunch, (which may be as simple as a piece of bread or a bruised banana), read stories, feed the baby, put them all to bed before falling exhausted into bed for a 30 minute nap before waking to care for the baby every 2 hours throughout the night and start all over again tomorrow. Or, maybe a career lady, who goes to work, taking care of every need her employer may have, coming home and miraculously taking care of her family before retiring for the night. Or, maybe one who works throughout the night, comes home sleeps for an hour or two, and wakes in time to make dinner and help with the kids? Um, yeah, I just don't think that is gonna happen.
Am I totally against Barbie dolls? Nah. I even gave some to my own kids. I think they have their place. They even teach up some valuable life skills. How else are we to learn how to wrangle tight fitting Velcro closing clothes , detangle plastic hair, or to coordinate our outfits with our Corvettes or Dream houses, or teach us and our male siblings what a normal woman looks like, or how to susussefullystart a nudist colony? See? They can surely be beneficial in our society.
I am just glad that we have progressed in the toys we make. At the very least, now she comes with permanent plastic panties. If you ask me, Barbie is an exhibitionist. She may have a great fashion sense and great jobs, but she may not be the best role model for our girls. So who is? Might I suggest that we all ? So, I end my rant, eh, I mean post, with a salute to all hard working Mommas out there. Remember that our girls are looking up to us and are watching what we do.
Bitter with Barbie,
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
As I sit here listening to my husband patiently helping our daughter with her Algebra homework, the thought occurred to me, that I would rather go through child birth again (And I am SOOOOOOOOOO done with that!) than have to deal with Algebra . Seriously. Child birth. THINK about that for just a minute. The most excruciating pain on earth. ON EARTH.
I do feel sorry for them. It is a rather pointless practice. I mean, negative numbers? How is THAT going to help you in life? Which leads me to the question all High School students have asked at one time or another: "Why do I need to learn this?"
Here is the answer, "You need to learn Algebra, so that you can help YOUR children with their Algebra homework one day. Quite a revelation isn't it?
Till next time,
Monday, March 4, 2013
Till next time,
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Till next time,
Friday, March 1, 2013
I don't know how many times I have heard someone talking about Face Book, reading, or some other activity and another person pipes up and says, "Oh I don't have time for THAT." Well, really, what you are implying is that the person has no life. That YOU are clearly more productive and a better contributor to society. But, when you think about it, we all have time for whatever activities interest us. I may enjoy browsing Pintrest for ideas on how to decorate my imaginary mountain chateau, and you may enjoy playing mind numbingly pointless video games killing zombies. Who cares? Don't go around making someone feel bad about their leisure activities simply because they don't interest you. And if you do, at least have the guts to tell it like it is. Next time, instead of beating around the bush, just have the courage to say something truthful like,"By spending time ____________, you clearly show the world that you have no value what so ever. GET A LIFE." I would find that much more respectful than an insinuation.
Till next time,