Friday, April 12, 2013
Insomnia is defined as habitual sleeplessness. Seeing that I am writing this at 12:41 Ante Meridian, while my family sleeps quietly and not so quietly, you may have figured out that I suffer from this disorder. I find it highly irritating that everyone else falls asleep so effortlessly, so peacefully. Even the nocturnal cat is asleep. I am fighting the urge to pull out cymbals and clash them together, or scream "Wakey-wakey!!!!" through the megaphone. I may fantasize, but that's about as far as I take it. I am not certain if any of you also have insomnia, but thought it would be nice to share with you some things that may help if you are reading this at 12:42 am. These are things that have helped me.
Let's start with what NOT to do: DO NOT watch the minutes on the clock. You will start writing strange things on vintage typewriters like "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." Do not count sheep. Unless you really have sheep. Then it might be OK, but I cannot tell you from experience. Do not drink caffeinated beverages after 2pm. Do not drink Red Bull. Do not eat No-Doz like it's pop corn. Do not watch scary movies.
To help you relax enough for sleep: Try the Internet. There is just something so mind numbing about watching cat videos that it always puts me to sleep. You can also read the FB page of an elderly yet "Hip" relative. Updates on diabetic necessary pedicures and toe nail clippings will not keep you awake. As tantalizing as Aunt Mabel may think they are, she is wrong. O so wrong. Watching Golden Girls returns. Hey everybody loves Betty White, but you can really only take so much of the shoulder pads and Florida themed decor.
I would also like to recommend some things NOT to do the next day when you are sleep deprived. Drive. Target practice with your M-16. File any sort of customer complaint. Go to the Department of Motor Vehicles. Wait in any sort of line. Give your cat a hair cut. Give your spouse a hair cut. File your taxes. Also any use of heavy machinery should be avoided, and I might add here that sharpening your machete would not be such a good idea either. TRUST ME.
Well, I sure hope that helps you at least a little bit. Please let me know.