Friday, May 31, 2013

I wear your Grandads clothes


     Goodwill. Salvation Army. The volunteer senior citizen thrift store down the way. I love them all. The thrill of the hunt. You never know when you will find a treasure, or simply a pair of moccasins somebody else has been walk in'. I think the strangest thing I have ever seen was a stuffed bullfrog mounted on a platter with a tiny fiddle strategically place in his hands. No wait, it was the armadillo purse! No, it was definitely the cat-nativity set complete with a kitten-baby Jesus. If you need to furnish your first apartment or are looking for a costume for a party, or anything in between, thrift stores are the way to go and the place to be.
     I do have a question though. If someone donated a wedding dress, where do you get off charging $100. for it? I understand you are running a business, but $100. for a used wedding dress? Really? And used shoes for $10. PLUS? Dude. This is not a department store full of brand new clothes in the latest colors and fashions. THIS is a THRIFT STORE full of your Grandads clothes. I give you things, (GIVE THEM FREELY I might add!) so that you can make a little money and the people in our community who may need theses things, or who may have a hoarding problem can benefit. Win-win situation right? So don't be greedy. Have reasonable prices. I'm not asking too much here. Just looking for a bargain Son.
     In the near future, if you don't change your ways Mr. Thrift Shop, I might just have to stop all of my donations to you. Of course then I don't know what I would do with all that crap that I don't want anymore...what else would I do with it now that I think about it? All that stuff I couldn't sell at a yard sale, but feel too guilty throwing away so I have to drive up to the donation center in the dead of night with my car lights and engine turned off ever so carefully to avoid the security camera all so that your donation attendants cannot refuse? Well, OK now that I'm thinking about it, that may be an empty threat after all. But seriously, LOWER your prices!
     Till next time,
     I'm gonna pop some tags,
     Miss Jodi

Monday, May 27, 2013

must love oats


     Our two young goats are maturing and now ready, well, to mate. Our intention for these girls was always to get milk. So now that they are older, I need to find someone who has a male goat for them to "date." Having never done this, and knowing no one who happens to  own a male goat puts me in a strange predicament. I decided to start my search where we purchased our two sister goats, the feed store. Unfortunately, the man who runs the feed store speaks Spanish. I do not.
     This is the conversation we had:
     Me:   "I need a stud for my goats. Do you have one?"
     Him: "What?"
     Me:   "A date. For my goats."
     Him: "No. My friend has the goat." He hands me a phone # with the name Jimi written next to it.
     I don't remember much from Spanish class, but decide to ask my friends via FB if I would be relaying the message of needing a stud for my female goats and inquiring the price if I asked," Me nessisito tu hermano chupa cabra, quanto denero por favor?" I am sooooooo glad I did. Turns out, my Spanish isn't exactly bueno. The translation for this would be something along the lines of, "Your brother is a cryptic zoological creature." Thank you for the BIG TIME save FB friends....
     Luckily, Jimi speaks a little English. The conversation went very well, and he is going to call me when he secures a date for my goats. I am not sure how that will work. Do they date first? Is it like a social mixer? Do they make small talk?  "Hi, I'm Clover and I like oats." I don't know. But I'll find out. And I'll keep you posted. Any if you happen to hear of any single male goats, please let me know.
     Till next time,
     Goat match maker Miss Jodi
     OK I have an update for you, we found a male goat to "Date" our 2 lady goats. I have some scented candles, the lights  have been lowered and Barry White is on the play list...I'll keep you posted. Let's hope this guy likes to,

      Update: Love is in the air.

     I should have know which way the day was directed...As I was getting ready to leave for church this morning I heard an unusual noise. It was Mr. Frederick the goat who as you may recall was visiting with our lady goats in hopes of, um...making some baby goats. I saw him munching on a leaf and upon further inspection I saw that he had jumped the 4 foot fence and was now out of the barnyard and next to our house. There wasn't much I could do (OK there was but I was already dressed and not willing to go out and wrangle a goat in my Sunday best) so I went of to church. When we got home we looked through the gate and did not see Frederick, but we heard him. Unfortunately he was in our neighbors back yard. He hopped a second fence and into out tweaker neighbors yard. Why? I have no idea...unless he is fond of smoking weed...Can you imagine waking up to the sound of a 5 foot (on all fours) tall goat bleeting and looking through your window at you? Not something that happens every day... Our Tweaker neighbor graciously offered to bring him back, but Mr. Frederick apparently was not finished visiting and would not cooperate. At all. So Jeff had to go over and convince him that visiting hours were indeed over. He finally managed to leash him and walk around the house to our back gate with the goat and all the while I was praying that he would not break free and run into the desert. We brought him back to the barn yard and decided to kennel him so he wouldn't start jumping into our neighbors yard again, but just yesterday evening had put all forty of our month old chicks into the kennel. So we had to round up all of those baby chicks (which may I point out is NOT an easy thing to do? They think their life is ending and naturally try to escape) and put them into a cage. Baby chicks were squaking, baby chicks were wiggling, one baby chick began projectile was not pretty. Let me just add right here that if you have not already figured it out, farming is NOT for the faint of heart. Not in the least. How does this story end? Well, I called the man who loaned us the goat and have not been able to get ahold of him yet...I'll keep you posted.

Friday, May 24, 2013

The secret to folding fitted sheets, because I love you

     I am not Martha Stewart. Never claimed to be either. I am not Mommy Dearest who will beat you if you use a wire hanger, and I am also NOT a hoarder. I am somewhere in between. Not a Domestic Goddess by any means. I do  however have a certain standard that makes me comfortable. I don't like clothes on the floor or dirty dishes in the sink. My bed is made unless I am in it. I like a certain sense of order.
     I have been either helping my mother keep her home tidy, or since I married and moved out, my own home for the most part of my 43 years here on earth. I never claim to be an expert, or keep my home as spotless as my friend Eunice does her house. That being said, I have just recently learned the secret of folding a fitted sheet (which I will share with you in a moment).
     Ask anyone who does laundry on a regular basis and they will either tell you some complicated version of how they do it, or they will laughingly confess to the "Crumpled-ball-stuffed-into-the-linen-closet-method." Go online and you will find three hundred and forty nine million videos. I recently had a thread on my FB page about the best methods. The most amusing and common sense suggestion was to simply wash it and put it right back on your bed....genius!
     So after more tries than I want to admit to, a frustrated bout of crying or two, and a possible curse shouted out to the makers of fitted sheets, (don't hate, I'm just being honest here!) this is the best way I have found. After your clean sheet comes out of the dryer or off the line, shake it out, fold in half, and tuck the corners into each other. Here is the secret, are you listening? Come closer....Do this on a flat surface such as the floor or you bed or a large table. I am serious. THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Go try it! Right now! If someone is sleeping, push them off and strip the bed.
     For those of you who need a visual, here ya go:

     You are welcome to now include me I your will,
     Miss Jodi

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

so true

A night in the life of me

     Have you ever wondered if  there is some strange force at work that causes strange things to happen just when you are expecting company? In the course of this evening, My son invited another student from his psychology class to come and do research and work on an upcoming class project. This just happened to be the night when two of our handsome young teenage ducks decided to duke it out and have a WWWF Duck smack down. So, that being the last straw, or shall I say feather, we decided to do a covert duck drop at a nearby undisclosed location to remedy the backyard chaos.
     First step? Duck catching. Not easy my friends, not AT ALL! Second step, placing said ducks into a pet carrier. Third step, driving to said undisclosed location in stealth mode and doing a duck drop off. Fourth step? Peeling out. Then after coming home, cleaning pet carrier and myself from the contents of the two ducks back ends. All the while college students are sitting in my living room.  As I try to breezily come in, hair disheveled, shirt covered in feathers and, um, other stuff, I do my best to politely say hello, as if I always look like this. Things are finally calming down and a certain psycho cat decides to cough up a hair ball the size of a large pot roast. My son did his best to try to casually round up the cat and clean up the cat puke while carrying on a topical discussion with the other college student and pretending this is normal.
     Of course, we cannot forget that the Beagle who can tell time and wants in EVERY evening at seven PM on the dot and without fail, and has decided to begin barking every 16 seconds.......By the way, have you ever heard a hound dog bark? And you know that you can give a dog Melatonin and Benadryl and it's perfectly safe? Yep, just ask Babe our Beagle who coincidentally  happens to be asleep at my feet right this very minute peacefully dreaming of whatever it is doggies dream of.  If you could remember me in your prayers tonight, I would greatly appreciate it.
     Till next time, 
     I'll be planning a duck BBQ and you are invited!
     Professional dog sedater, and duck relocator
     Miss Jodi

Thursday, May 9, 2013


     I find it strange that in a "Civilized Nation" such as ours, we form raw meat into little balls. Whose idea was this? Were all the other meat shapes taken? What about a hexagon? Or a square? Or maybe a cone? If we are going for creativity, why not a goose? Or a kitten? Or how about a pyramid? We obviously don't do it out of convenience, if we did we would press the meat down onto a cooking sheet and cut it into squares. As it is, we mix it up with herbs and spices and roll it between our hands into little balls. How disturbing is that?
     Last time I played that much with something was in kindergarten with play-doh. Meat is NOT play-doh people! I shouldn't have to explain this to you!!! Meat is from a dead animal. I don't want to handle it and more than I absolutely have to, thank you very much! So y'all can fondle the hamburger meat all you want. You and my butcher who strangely finds it entertaining to shape ground beef into pig heads and put tomato eyes on it. Meat is not an Art medium. I will refrain and  remain dignified.
     Meat is food, NOT art!!!!
     Miss Jodi


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Costco who do you think you are?

     Who doesn't have a membership to Costco or some other warehouse store? Or at the very least use their friends card so they can get their 36 rolls of toilet paper at a bargain price? (I know you're out there) However, I can't help but come to the conclusion, that Costco is rude.
     Think about it. They have commitment issues. You have to pay them for a card that gives you the privilege to shop for tires and swimming pools. Does that even make sense? You pay $60. for your card for 1 year, and to make it even worth paying that fee, you have to save at least $60. during that year of shopping. That's a lot of chocolate raisins and Windex. And what about the cake? I mean, it's good, but who wants an ENTIRE sheet cake? I just want a half sheet!!! I want birthday cake, not a committed relationship! Who but possibly the Duggar family could possibly eat it all anyway?
      Costco cuts too many corners. Hey, I'm all about saving money these days, who isn't? But after waiting in line for half an hour to pay for your junk, they are so cheap that they don't even give you a stinkin' bag to put it in. The closest they come is offering you a box. A BOX. I just spent  $60. for my membership, and $168. in groceries and you can't give me a bag? You can give me all the pot stickers and power juice samples you want to, but you can't fool me! You are still not being generous! EVERY one knows that if you can get someone to sample a product, they are more likely to buy it. Mama didn't raise a fool.
      They think WE are ripping THEM off. Name ONE other store that looks at your receipt and compares the items in your cart to make sure you aren't stealing from them? I certainly cannot think of one. Grocery store? Nope. Sporting goods?  A restaurant? Furniture store? Nope, nope, and nope.
     My conclusion is, I won't be renewing my Costco membership. It's just not worth it. I'll take my losses on mayonnaise in the grocery store, who really uses the ENTIRE 25 lb jar you get from Costco anyway? I will not miss the hoards of people surrounding the free sample booth, and I will not miss the bulk items. I may miss the bargains, but if I'm careful, those sixty bucks I would put toward my membership fee will cover it. From now on, I'm shopping exclusively where they give out complimentary shopping bags.
     Cutting out Costco,
     Miss Jodi

Cup cake duct tape

     I had to go to the hardware store the other day. Other than the paint section and the plant nursery, I was totally out of my element. I always am. Actually, I was able to find what I went there for in less than an hour and a half.  Impressive. Well, for me any way. My husband would have found what he needed, purchased it and been home all in half the time it took me to find it. He is amazing like that.
     If I send him to the grocery store for eggs, he comes home with eggs. That's it. No impulse purchases. No chocolate bars, no two for one boxes of Coco Puffs. I truly don't know how he does it. Then there is me. Once I am in a store, I suddenly remember that we are out of bread. I notice that Gala apples are on sale for .96 a pound, and think about how nice it would be to have ice cream for dessert. I am a retailers dream. I am a gatherer, he is a hunter.
     My tendency to look at everything is exactly why I have two rolls of duct tape decorated with a cute little cup cake print. They were cleverly placed next to the spray paint which I was there to purchase.  Obviously I bought two rolls. Because one roll, as completely useless as it is, just isn't enough. Yes, I am now the proud owner of two rolls of cup cake duct tape. (To my credit, they are different prints) I am not kidding.
     So, should you ever be in need of a roll of the ever utilitarian duct tape for anything from fixing a leaky pipe to holding a bumper on your car, or gaging an intruder, let me know. We'll get it done. With cup cakes. And should you ever be in need of someone to go to the hardware store for you, send Jeff, not me. Otherwise you might become the owner of a couple of rolls of cupcake duct tape yourself.
     Fixin' it with duct tape
     Miss Jodi

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Garden Gnomes and Pink Flamingos

     What is your opinion on Gnomes? The one I posted here is certainly living the life, wouldn't you say? Smokin' something in that pipe and kickin' it in somebodies garden with out a care in the world inside that hard resin head of his. My grandparents had a small family of Gnomes as I was growing up. Along with some plastic deer. Except for the Gnomes, (I am guessing because I do not know the average height of real Gnomes so I can only speculate.) none of them were life sized. I guess you could say that I don't get garden ornaments. Of any kind. Ever.
     I understand that they are ornamental. I do. But, how do you come to the point where a pink flamingo with wire legs seems to you like the perfect touch to your beautiful green lawn? Since I live in the desert, we don't have many green lawns. We have more along the lines of "Decorative Rocks." And some one started a wagon trend. I don't get that either. They usually aren't even entire wagons. Just random pieces of wagons. Or even a lonely wagon wheel. Exactly what kind of statement are you going for with a wagon wheel?
     There is also house close by here that has a purple dinosaur in the front yard. I found it once when I was lost so I'm not sure I could find it again to get you a picture, if I could I certainly would. Another trend in ornamental gardening which may be the strangest, even stranger than pink flamingos, is the waterless wishing well. Isn't a well by it's very definition, supposed to have water in it? So then, isn't a waterless wishing well just about as useless as a chocolate teapot? At least you can eat chocolate.
     I guess, that as I am becoming older, I am finding more and more things to be superfluous. And if it isn't useful, what's the point? And what the use of a resin Gnome is, I cannot fathom. Except perhaps to give some Gnome factory workers a job...Leave me a comment and let me know what you think. I would love to hear from you. 
     Hide your pink flamingos,
    Miss Jodi


     Are you familiar with Pinterest? My guess, is that if you are female you are, if you are male, you are not. For those of you in the latter category, let me enlighten you. Pinterest is a virtual interest board. Remember the old days when you had a cork board above your desk and you would use a thumb tack to pin inspiring quotes or pictures you cut from magazines? Now you can do that virtually with a Pinterest account. Sounds fun right? Well, it is. Actually, it is quite addictive. (Thanks for getting me hooked Jen...)
     Although it may sound innocent enough, I believe there are hidden dangers. Oh yes, there is always the obvious, time off from reality and spent in fantasy away from family and friends is never good for you. But, there is a darker, more sinister danger lurking. Something so serious, that I want to warn you today....
      Inside the head of every woman who is actively on Pinterest, there are about 6 different personalities. You could go so far as to say, that Pinterest may be contributing to Multiple Personality Disorder in women of this generation. The worst part, is that these personalities don't get along.
     If you were to look at a woman's collection of boards for example, you would find such contradictions as a board on healthy weeknight dinner recipes, and another on dessert. There may be a board on exercise moves, but the last time she worked out was before the baby was born, and now he is 17....or perhaps a fashionable wardrobe board, even though she rarely changes out of her sweat pants and T-shirt. She may have a craft board with over 400 pins, and not even own a glue gun. She may fantasize about making Quinoa salad for your dinner, but  in reality, it's just another night of Mac and Cheese with a hot dog sliced up and thrown in there to be fancy.
     I would like to say that there is help for those of us who have been or are currently in the throws of a Pinterest addiction. I cannot. I can only suggest that you start a new board and title it "Self Help." Insanity, is just a pin away my friends.
     Planning on Quinoa tomorrow, I promise....
     Miss Jodi

Saturday, May 4, 2013

ice cream sandwiches


     Can I just ask you a question? WHO? Who thought up an ice cream sandwich? I mean, COME ON! It was a brilliant idea. Ice cream, cool creamy frozen goodness. Soft chocolate cookies. TOGETHER! Simplicity. Genius. I thank you whoever you are.
     Just sayin'
     Miss Jodi

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Gufors EDIT v14

I had so much fun watching my daughter play a hippie for this movie trailer! They gave me a speaking part as an extra too, I am wearing a big brown floppy hat so look for me. Enjoy!