Monday, August 24, 2015

How to survive in So Cal




     What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of California? Is it the Malibu coast? The pine topped mountain peaks? Maybe it is the Hollywood hills. However, if you happen to actually live here, you know there is more to California than the scenery and tourist destinations. That's right my friends, we are talking entitled environmentalists, Vegans with an attitude, Pit Bull activists, and Gangstas.This can be a dangerous place. It's not all glorious poppy fields, and happy cows making good cheese. I wasn't born in So Cal, but I grew up here.So, I can give you some legitimate advice on how to keep yourself from getting attacked by a Vegan or shanked by a Gangsta. Here are some rules to live by for any Cali-newbies, or those of you who might just be passing through:
     1) If you visit a Farmers market, do not ask what the difference between "Organic" and "Natural." Just pretend you know.
     2) If someone hands you a "Save the Whales" flyer, do NOT engage them in conversation.
     3) Whether you are with friends or family or strangers, NEVER discuss politics or gun control.
     4)  If visiting LA, do not wear red or blue. Even on the 4th of July.
     5) Get everything done before the sun sets. In other words, don't go out at night.
     6) Even if you are a Raiders fan, DON'T wear Raiders logo.
     7)  If someone offers you some ice, it's not for your favorite beverage. Trust me here.
     8)  Avoid making eye contact for more than 3 seconds.
     9) If someone asks you how much you want of something, TELL them, but never hold up your fingers to show them. This could be confused with flashing a gang sign.
    10) If you need to bank, go inside. Do not use the ATM.
    11) Do not discuss the difference between Grass-fed and Grain-fed beef. Especially with Vegans.
    12) Avoid the 405 between the hours of midnight and 11:59 pm.
    13) Do not speak of Angels to Dodgers fans or vice versa.
    14) If someone asks you to go to a Harvest crusade, you should absolutely go. It has nothing to do with farming. And tell Greg I said hello.
    15) And lastly, even though I already mentioned it, AVOID the 405.

I sure hope that helps you during your visit. Don't forget to visit In N Out, dip your toes in the Pacific Ocean, and drive up to Big Bear for a picnic. Have a good time and just to be on the safe side, make sure you carry a shank or some pepper spray with you.
Till Next time,
Miss Jodi