Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Jack o Lantern


     Happy Halloween Y'all! Nothing says American quite like handing a sharp weapon over to a 6 year old and having them go at a 3" thick pumpkin skin, right?. And if carving a smile wasn't difficult enough, we insist on a smile with missing teeth. Because we don't believe in Pumpkin Diversity. ALL pumpkins must have smiles with missing teeth. That's just the way it is. Well, I don't know about you, but I can barely cut out a coupon from the Sunday paper with straight lines, that means that any pumpkin that comes across my path isn't going to win a beauty contest...and since we are on the subject, I wonder what the statistics are for accidental stabbings and digit removal on Halloween each year... I'm going to make an educated guess here and say it's pretty high. I fondly remember carving pumpkins with my family when I was a child, however when I became a parent I quickly realized how stressful it was to have a toddler running around while I was trying to cut triangle eyes into a 20 pound orange gourd. Good grief! If you can somehow manage to get the knife all the way in, you still have to pull it back out! NO fond memories for my kids I'm afraid...I'm pretty sure we stopped carving when my son was 2 years old. My daughters have never even seen a pumpkin being carved, they have only heard about it and seen pictures. I don't care. I am not worried that they have missed out on an important holiday tradition, we like to focus on the important things, like at least Mommy and Daddy still have all 10 of their fingers. So what if our Halloween tradition included a beautiful big pumpkin and a Sharpie permanent black marker? It got the job done AND we avoided a trip to the Emergency Room. They still got to go Trick or Treating despite the pressure from churches across the country insisting that to do so was participating in Satanic worship. I can guarantee there were no animal sacrifices going down at the Cabeza-Blanca house hold. It was all about the free candy. Yes we Trick or Treated, and yes we love Jesus. You can do both. I'm just glad my children are grown and I don't have to worry about all that junk any more. The best part? I get to keep the candy. Here is a wonderful little tip for a happy Halloween: get a large bowl from the Dollar Store and buy some of your favorite candy. Don't mess around with the "Mini" or the "Snack" sized crap. Go ahead and get some full sized candy bars Jack. If you want to go all out, get a "King" size. Then, eat them, That's right. No Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig tonight baby. Eat those mothers up! But make sure you save the wrappers. Then get out a piece of paper and use that Sharpie marker to make a sign that says: "Take One." Then, put the sign, and the bowl next to your front door. The last thing for you to do is drop the candy wrappers around your front yard. Go inside, put on your jammies, pop some corn, and turn on the television in the back room so it cannot be seen from the front door. Turn off all the other lights, sit down and relax. This is going to be the best Halloween EVER!!!! No annoying princesses or scary teenagers tonight my friends! The neighborhood kids are all going to think that you were so generous that you were giving out FULL SIZED candy bars but that some selfish beast came along and ate it all. The kids think you are awesome, and no tricks on you, win-win situation! I know you will appreciate this so you are welcome to send your thanks in the form of King sized Reese's Peanut Butter cups or full sized Twix.
     Be Safe, be smart, and eat your own candy for goodness sake!
     Miss Jodi

Monday, October 21, 2013

Parking lot Tamales

      I may have mentioned that I live in Southern California. If you were to ask me for a recommendation for authentic Mexican food, you may be surprised when I direct you down Bear Valley Boulevard to the Dollar Store parking lot and tell you to walk up to the light brown van parked there and ask for Fernando. His family makes the best tamales in town. Parking lots and tamales may not sound like a good combination, you may even think it sounds dangerous, however, I have found them to be amazing. It is not at all uncommon to be walking toward a store and have someone call out to you, "Tamales?" My friend Tamala once thought someone knew her because this happened. The man asked her, "Tamales?" And she thought he somehow knew her and was calling her name with an accent, so she answered, "Yes?" and her then told her "One Dollar." She quickly figured out that she had just agreed to a tamale purchase. I don't know if she went home with dinner or not, but she certainly should have. I swear on my beagles life, this is a true story. Now before you go out there in hopes of scoring some dinner, there are some guidelines you need to know about. And since I am such a sweetie pie, I'm going to help you out with a few of the basics. First, never follow someone into a back alley with hopes of getting a tamale bargain, it's just not going to end well. Second, get the pork. (My husband was offered a mozzarella tamale once, I'm not too sure what that was all about, but being the smart man that he is, he quickly refused the offer.) Thirdly, never approach someone who you think is selling tamales, let them approach you, unless it is Fernando at the Dollar Store parking lot, (otherwise you can get into a whole heap load of trouble, take my word for it.)  Never buy tamales from a gas station parking lot. I don't have a good reason for this, it just seems nasty to me. And lastly, don't buy from a Gringo. They just can't pull off an authentic tamale, as hard as they may try. The only exception to this rule is if it is a Texan Gringo. They know a thing or two about Mexican food. Well, I hope I have helped to ease the fear of parking lot tamales for you, if I have, then I know in my heart that I have served society well. You just can't beat a homemade batch of steamed parking lot tamales. But don't just take my word for it, find out for yourself.
     Till next time,
     Tamales for dinner tonight,
     Miss Jodi

Monday, October 14, 2013

Instagram and The Squirrel hunter

     I'll be the 3rd to tell you technology is not my strong point. First would be my husband and second would be any one of my children. I can maneuver around Facebook fairly well, have about 5% of my Smart phone down pat, and am quite the email expert. However, I am fairly new to Instagram. Here are the basics according to my understanding: you can follow your friends, your friends can follow you, you can follow your favorite business and they can follow you. You share pictures, they share pictures. Everyone can make comments on each others posts.That's pretty much it. So, imagine my surprise this morning, when I am scrolling down my Instagram page, reading comments and looking at pictures of the obligatory adorable grandchild of my friends, pictures of someone's Machaca breakfast at Molly Browns Country Cafe, and the daily selfie from a young adult who for some reason wants to record herself each and every day without fail for all to see, when suddenly, I see a disturbing picture of a dehydrated squirrel posted by someone calling themselves "The Squirrel Hunter." Further down the page it got ever stranger. They had a picture of a couple dozen meat grinders. Now the strange thing about all this is the fact that I do not know who "The Squirrel Hunter" is and I do NOT remember ever following them..... So either someone is punking me, or I am going through moments of unconsciousness while operating my Instagram account. I suppose either could be the case. I do have insomnia and there is always the possibility that I could turn on my computer in a state of semi-consciousness. I think however, that this more than likely be a joke. I'll keep you posted....Until then, if you happen to be an Instagram follower and are particularly fond of deceased squirrels, you might enjoy following "The Squirrel Hunter."
     Miss Jodi

Me and Dr. Zasio

     Have you ever seen someone meet a celebrity and they instantly change from a normal human being into a hot blubbering mess? They start saying lame things like, "I'm you biggest fan!" or "I love your work!" or "You are the greatest!"  Maybe you are one of those people, perhaps you have met someone you look up to and have said those very things. Here is where I once again humble myself and admit to you that although I find this behavior utterly and completely pathetic, I did the exact same thing. A couple of years ago, I was working at what was considered to be the nicest hotel in the High Desert, the Hilton Garden Inn. (Don't laugh, I am serious)  Any time a production crew came through town, they always stayed at the Hilton. Hoarders (Perhaps my favorite show ever, because compared to people who have multiple flat cats in their house, I am Martha Stewart. Make sense?) was filming up here so of course they stayed with us. I was working at the front desk, checking people in, checking them out, and making reservations just like any other day. It was particularly busy that day and we were sold out which was not uncommon for a weekday. There I was minding my own business and doing my share to keep Paris Hilton the spoiled-rotten, filthy-rich person she is, when who should suddenly appear before me, but the one and only Dr. Zasio, one of the Dr.'s from the Hoarders show. I instantly became that hot, blubbering, mess that so many other people before me have. I mumbled something idiotic like, "O, wow! Dr. Zasio! I love your show!"  She was gracious and thanked me, then politely asked for her room key. I felt so stupid. I was such a dork. Just another geeky fan. I may have even asked her for her identification....I refuse to ever let this happen again. If I ever do meet another celebrity I have a plan. I am going to pretend not to know who they are. I will not tell them how great I think they are, I will not ask for an autograph (and now that we're talking about it, what is up with autographs? I just don't get it. Unless it's at the bottom of a check written out to me, I don't care about your signature. I just do not.). I will remain calm, cool and collected. Oh who am I kidding?
     Till next time,
     Dr. Zasios' biggest fan,
     Miss Jodi

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Knowledge is power

     Perhaps I have been watching too much television. Mystery and crime solving shows in particular. It seems to me though, that lock picking would be a very useful skill to have. I am thinking of taking it up, I could use a new hobby after all... As I did some research for this exciting new hobby, I found numerous helpful websites with everything from videos to pictures (see above), all  of which had this sentence somewhere in their advertisement: "Have you ever been locked out of your house?" I certainly have! I can also think of a couple other reasons knowing how to pick a lock would come in useful. Lets say you need to borrow your neighbors punch bowl and they happen to be at work...or you have a craving at midnight for one of those amazing deep fried hot apple pies from KFC, or do you remember the time when you saw the dental assistant mistakenly scribble "Difficult" across the top of you chart in all caps, when all you asked for was a  wee little cocktail before your cleaning? See? Now that I think of it, knowing how to hot wire a car could come in handy too... Ah, the power of knowledge. And Google.
     Because you never know....
     Miss Jodi

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Jesus is watching...

     I saw this in a little thrift store today called High Desert Pickers and just had to share with you.

Disneyland math

     Want to know why Mickey is always so happy? Because he is a greedy, filthy- rich, RAT who takes advantage of Californian's. And we let him!!!!
     I live in Southern California. Anytime someone visits from out of state, guess where they expect to go? Yep, Disneyland. Now when I was growing up in the 70's, Disney was not that expensive. At one point it was actually FREE (You read correctly). The park was open to anyone. If you wanted to go on the rides you purchased tickets. We went often. At least once or twice a year. And in the 80's Disney even gave a California discount when you went.You simply showed them your ID and they would knock off a significant portion of the entrance fee. Now, it's over a ninety bucks for a day pass and that doesn't even include Disney Adventure. A parking pass alone costs $15.  Lets do the math people, $92. for a ticket, $15. to park, $25. for gasoline, $6. for a lukewarm churro, $7.50 for a flat Coca-cola, 3 hours of driving to get there, and 2 plus hours to get on a ride that is over in 1 minute.... (which makes NO sense at all!!!!) We are getting ripped of here folks! I say lets boycott Disney! If you think about it, they should make it worth a California residents while by letting them in for FREE when they bring a friend or relative. Am I right here? And we should get free parking, free lukewarm churro's and they should kick in a set of Micky ears with our name embroidered on them. I am not against them making a profit. But I am against being taken advantage of. Which is why our family has not been to Disney for close to 10 years. So here is an idea for you Mickey. Make it affordable for your average Jodi to go to your park with her family. We make it worth your while. In the mean time, you can keep your cute little hat ears and your pathetic luke warm churros. I don't even like Coke. We have plenty of the obligatory childhood photos with mouse ears. Keep it. Keep all Mr. Mouse.
     Till next time,
     Fed up with rats,
     Miss Jodi

     OK, upon reading this post, my dear friend Rose invited our family to go to Disneyland with her. We went last Friday and I have to admit that we had a very nice time. They had decorated for Christmas and all the employees were cheerful and friendly. Even the security guard who had to deny entrance to someone who insisted on bringing their Swiss Army knife into the park was smiling. (Who brings a Swiss Army knife to Disneyland? I mean if you need to go into survival mode you should probably exit the park...) I did not see Mickey. He may have heard I was there and tried successfully to avoid me. And we did not have a lukewarm churro. FYI we ate lunch at the Thunder Ranch and although it was expensive, it was delicious and all you can eat and family style. I would recommend it. Rose was a wonderful hostess, we truly did enjoy our time with her at Disney. So thank you once again Rose!

Sunday, October 6, 2013

The secret appetite suppresant


     I know all of us (except for maybe you SHANA!) are all trying to keep our weight under control. There is always some new appetite suppressant floating around the Internet, Raspberry Ketones, Hydroxy cut, drink olive oil, drink water, eat lettuce, swallow fiber pills, and the list goes on. But I'm going to share with you a secret I learned a while back. It works every time. I guarantee. I swear on my beagle's life. This is what you do if you want to eat less at dinner: get yourself a box of fine chocolates (none of that dollar store junk, think Sees or Lindt). Prepare your dinner as you normally would. Now open the box of chocolates and eat several. After this, eat your dinner. You will find that you do not have any desire for second helpings. Heck, you might not even want to finish what is on your plate. This works amazingly well. Natural, and delicious! A great way to control you appetite! I know you will want to thank me for this, so feel free to leave me a comment. You are welcome ahead of time.
     Miss Jodi

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