Wednesday, April 3, 2013

10 reasons I NEVER camp

     I am not a camper. I don't enjoy pretending to be homeless. I don't find it entertaining. I don't like to even think about it. Oh, I have many reasons. And since we are on the subject, I have compiled a top ten list.
     #1 Bears. Worse than any Heffalump or Woozle, Freddy Krueger, or even the Boogie-man. My worst nightmare. Why? Because it could and often does really happen. Bears attack people. Us humans are tasty.

     #2 Indoor pluming. That's right. Running water and flushing toilets.

     If you have never had the terror of using or smelling a non flushing public toilet, I have 3 words for you, stinking, retched and terrifying. If you're brave enough to sit (and is there really anyone? I don't think there is!) and you happen to miss the seat... you're not coming home. It's just wrong. One step away from a bucket.

     #3 Dining choices are extremely limited. There is no McDonald's in the middle of the wilderness. No Kentucky Fried Chicken. No Marie Calenders. Your dinner options include mainly Can-O's. As in a can-o-beans, or a can-o-Spaghetti O's or possibly if you're feeling especially fancy, a can-o-soup or something you manage to impale with a stick and hold over a fire.
     #4 Sleeping arrangements do not include a bed, sheets, or even a roof. Sleeping under the stars is highly over rated. Sleeping on the ground is hard, rocky, BARBARIC and unnecessary.
     #5 A cry in the dark. Meryl Streep. Did you not see this movie based on a true story?!? Dingos are alive and well!!! Maybe not where we live, but why take that chance? I'm no fool.
     #6 Bugs, snakes and other blood-sucking-human-hungry-vermin.

     #7 Dirt. Look, we spend our entire life fighting dirt. We dust, we vacuum, we scrub, we scour, we sweep., we wash and wash and wash. And then we die and return to dirt. But the fight is not over until that moment. Why should I surrender? Even temporarily? Makes no sense.
     #8 Campfire. The main source of heat for cooking your can-o-dinners, necessary warmth at night, and of course how can you roast a marshmallow for the obligatory S'more with out it? The trouble is, we can barely get a fire going in our fireplace at home without the assistance of a can of lighter fluid or pure gasoline, and I'm fairly certain those things are both illegal in the California National Forests...Remember Smokey? He always said that only I could prevent forest fires. That's a HUGE responsibility!
     #9 Kitchen Patrol. Also known as KP. Somehow, no matter how many people are with me, it always falls on me. I could have stayed home for that. How is that fun? Who wants the added stress of washing dishes with boiled creek water? Not me, thank you very much.
     #10 Bears. They really are worth mentioning twice. They are THAT horrifying. Look at the teeth on this bad boy. Do you think he is showing off his amazing dental hygiene skills? I guarantee you he is not.
     There you have it. A common sense and brutally honest opinion of camping. From me, to you.
     Not so happy camper,
     Miss Jodi

Glamping. I could do it. Thanks Lupe!