Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Jack o Lantern

 

     Happy Halloween Y'all! Nothing says American quite like handing a sharp weapon over to a 6 year old and having them go at a 3" thick pumpkin skin, right?. And if carving a smile wasn't difficult enough, we insist on a smile with missing teeth. Because we don't believe in Pumpkin Diversity. ALL pumpkins must have smiles with missing teeth. That's just the way it is. Well, I don't know about you, but I can barely cut out a coupon from the Sunday paper with straight lines, that means that any pumpkin that comes across my path isn't going to win a beauty contest...and since we are on the subject, I wonder what the statistics are for accidental stabbings and digit removal on Halloween each year... I'm going to make an educated guess here and say it's pretty high. I fondly remember carving pumpkins with my family when I was a child, however when I became a parent I quickly realized how stressful it was to have a toddler running around while I was trying to cut triangle eyes into a 20 pound orange gourd. Good grief! If you can somehow manage to get the knife all the way in, you still have to pull it back out! NO fond memories for my kids I'm afraid...I'm pretty sure we stopped carving when my son was 2 years old. My daughters have never even seen a pumpkin being carved, they have only heard about it and seen pictures. I don't care. I am not worried that they have missed out on an important holiday tradition, we like to focus on the important things, like at least Mommy and Daddy still have all 10 of their fingers. So what if our Halloween tradition included a beautiful big pumpkin and a Sharpie permanent black marker? It got the job done AND we avoided a trip to the Emergency Room. They still got to go Trick or Treating despite the pressure from churches across the country insisting that to do so was participating in Satanic worship. I can guarantee there were no animal sacrifices going down at the Cabeza-Blanca house hold. It was all about the free candy. Yes we Trick or Treated, and yes we love Jesus. You can do both. I'm just glad my children are grown and I don't have to worry about all that junk any more. The best part? I get to keep the candy. Here is a wonderful little tip for a happy Halloween: get a large bowl from the Dollar Store and buy some of your favorite candy. Don't mess around with the "Mini" or the "Snack" sized crap. Go ahead and get some full sized candy bars Jack. If you want to go all out, get a "King" size. Then, eat them, That's right. No Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig tonight baby. Eat those mothers up! But make sure you save the wrappers. Then get out a piece of paper and use that Sharpie marker to make a sign that says: "Take One." Then, put the sign, and the bowl next to your front door. The last thing for you to do is drop the candy wrappers around your front yard. Go inside, put on your jammies, pop some corn, and turn on the television in the back room so it cannot be seen from the front door. Turn off all the other lights, sit down and relax. This is going to be the best Halloween EVER!!!! No annoying princesses or scary teenagers tonight my friends! The neighborhood kids are all going to think that you were so generous that you were giving out FULL SIZED candy bars but that some selfish beast came along and ate it all. The kids think you are awesome, and no tricks on you, win-win situation! I know you will appreciate this so you are welcome to send your thanks in the form of King sized Reese's Peanut Butter cups or full sized Twix.
     Be Safe, be smart, and eat your own candy for goodness sake!
     Miss Jodi