Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Pick the apple already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know if it was because he was not used to shopping for produce, or if he felt it was his life's purpose to find the one perfect, flawless, apple in this world... whatever the reason, I found myself behind the most serious apple inspector I've ever come across at the grocery store today. He would gingerly pick up an apple, carefully turn it over several times, checking for bruises and imperfections before putting it back and beginning the process yet again. Did I mention he seemed to be moving in slow motion? I admit I had a sudden unreasonable and unjustified fury come over me. Kind of like "Road Rage", but at the grocery store. I wanted to push him aside and yell, "It's not that big of a deal!!! Pick an apple already! Make a decision! Fuji or Granny Smith! Red, yellow or green!!! It's not your future spouse for goodness sake! You don't have to pray about it!!! JUST PICK THE FRIGGIN' APPLE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" But I didn't. I behaved myself. I exercised self control. Well, OK, maybe I was afraid of being kicked out of the Piggly Wiggly. I am pretty sure that the security cameras above the honey and Agave nectar dispensers were running the day I tried to pour some into a container. After pouring a small amount into the little tubs they provide, I gently (or maybe NOT so gently) turned the handle the opposite direction and was surprised to hear a strange cracking noise. Imagine my surprise when Agave nectar CONTINUED to pour out. And imagine if you will, how desperate I must have seemed when I grabbed every available container and filled it up with Agave nectar as it CONTINUED to pour out. After all the containers were filled and the Agave nectar continued to pour and spill out over the counter and began to make a very large puddle, I tried calling out for an employee to help but no one answered me. I looked around and found NO ONE! Like some Twilight Zone episode, I found myself completely alone in a sticky, growing Agave nectar lake....I decided to leave the scene and search for help and finally found an employee over in the deli section who was engrossed in arranging the 8% total fat content ground beef into a brick and told her that "Someone" had broken the handle on the dispenser and would she please call someone over to help. She seemed very disinterested but finally made eye contact with me and indulged my request. About five minutes later I heard someone in that general direction screaming, "Oh no! Oh no! HELP!!" which was followed very shortly after over the loud speaker with, "ALL AVAILABLE EMPLOYEES PLEASE GO TO THE AGAVE NECTAR DISPENSARY FOR A CLEAN UP! ALL AVAILABLE EMPLOYEES IMMEDIATELY RESPOND!!!!" Might I also add that my eyes were bulging out of my head at this point, and I may have been uttering something along the lines of, "I am so sorry! SO, SO VERY SORRY!!!!" over and over again? I should also tell you that as I checked out and paid for my groceries I looked the cashier in the eyes and told her, "I really didn't mean to...." All this to say, I didn't strangle the apple groper. I was afraid that security was already comparing me to the video surveillance from the last episode and that my shopping days at that store were numbered already. Needless to say, I didn't want to cause a scene, so I left the man alone with his apples and his decision making. But between me and you may I suggest that you not make too big of a deal when you pick out your produce? Look for bruises and soft spots, put it in the bag and leave. This shouldn't take more than 30 seconds flat. If it does, you need to get a life. Or a job as a fruit inspector....
Till next time,
Please make a quick apple decision and be on your way,