Saturday, November 30, 2013

Our Ghetto Fabulous tree







     Real or faux? That is the question for many a person at this time of year. But not for us. We are a faux Christmas tree kinda family. Oh, it's not that I have anything against cutting down a beautiful earth friendly, oxygen producing, air purifying live tree. I wouldn't exactly call myself a Greenie, a Mother earth type, or a "Save-the-butter-cup" freak, however, it's just seems so, Oh, I don't know...selfish? Kill a tree just so you can have the scent of pine in your house and needles on your floor? I also feel I have to mention that real increases your risk of a house fire at the same time. Um, no thanks. I'll go faux. thank you very much.
      Well, today my husband bravely faced the dust and dark and all around general creepiness of the garage to go where he goes only twice a year. Both of those times involve our lovely faux Christmas tree. Once to bring it out and the other to put it back. Today as he carefully began to unpack the tree, he calmly and matter of factly proclaimed, "A rat lived here." And just as calmly and matter of factly, he also proclaimed, "And it still does." I happened to be holding a baby goat on my lap (4 babies were delivered yesterday but that's another story for another day.) and so I quickly set it down in the bathroom so I could help him. I looked over in time to see the mouse (not a rat mind you) jump up into the air. Why do they do that? Aren't they creepy enough already? Do also have to jump? (Guess what my nightmares are going to be about tonight?) I opened the front door and got our Rat Terrier Pixie to go after it. She did, but she is an old girl so she ended up chasing, not killing the beast...
     After we had brought out all the pieces from the house and threw them into the trash can, we stood there looking at the empty Christmas tree box as it lay on our front lawn. It was a sad sight. Logically, I asked Jeff to go to the store and pick up another faux. I was very specific as I'm sure most women are when it comes to something they will have to look at for years to come. I actually wanted to go myself but the goats needed milking, the chickens needed feeding, and I still had dinner to make. A faux tree is a commitment. I'm sure you understand. So I said, "You can get a nice one for around $115. Make sure it looks real and is nice and full. I don't want you to bring some skinny thing up in here that I can see right through. Full and realistic. Height does not matter, fullness does. Got it?" and again, I said, "$115. full and realistic." just to make sure we were clear on what I wanted. This is not a time for creativity. Two hours later he came home with a large boxed faux tree. "Guess what I paid for it?" he asked me. "I don't know, $115.? I asked." He proudly proclaimed, "Nope, ONLY $35.!"  "THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS?" I yelled? He must have thought I was giddy with excitement at his thrifty treasure. I was not. "I told you I don't want some ghetto tree! I can't believe you paid $35.!!!"  He went on to explain with a look upon his face that can only be described as crushed, that the original price was $70. but because of the black Friday sale, he got it for 50% off. I then said some things I rather regret, such as how the tree had better be full and realistic or else I would return it fully assembled to the store he purchased it from, just drive up with a big old tree and walk to the customer service desk as bold as you please, Oh yes I would. He looked at me rather sadly, and then quietly began to put it together. Now, I have to admit now that is all assembled, it does look rather nice. And yes, it IS full and somewhat realistic looking, and with the lights on and the wire used to secure it in case a kitten or two should happen to climb into its aluminum branches, it looks rather cozy and Christmasey and lovely.  Even if it was only $35. Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips...