When I die...

    

     I recently had the privilege of hearing my friend Sheila speak at our church. She spoke on the topic of everyone having an expiration date. Her point was to make sure you were right with the Lord, which I am certain I am (If you are not, you are welcome to message me in the comment field and I will happily tell you more about why I believe this). She also talked about how no one knows  when they will die, and that we need to make sure that we have prepared for the end of our life, even going so far as to plan out our funeral, and to make sure there is nothing in your home that you would not want someone to eventually find. Because they will.
     This got me thinking about those little things I have hidden. Like my chocolate stash. And my Nutella stash. (Oh, now don't get all self righteous on me. You know you have them too!!!) And I just wanted to say, that if it happens to be you who finds it, you are welcome to keep any and all of the chocolate, but I recommend that you toss the Nutella. If we are going to be honest, (And really, if not now, then when?) I double dip. Yep it's true. Anything in the pantry does NOT get the double dip treatment (By me anyway....who really knows with 3 kids?) But if you happen to see me quietly walk down the hall to my room with a spoon in my hand, you know whats gonna go down. It might not be pretty, it certainly isn't sanitary, but it's mine. Until I die....
     Double-dippin' till the end
     Miss Jodi

Our visit to the vet

    
    
     Either you are an "Animal person, or you are not. (And as a disclaimer, I would advise you NOT to continue reading this if you are in the first category.)You can either watch an ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan singing "I will remember you" or "In the arms of an angel," or you can't. I readily admit to being an animal lover. Oh, not the Vegetarian-save-the-whales kind,  I like BBQ too much for that. No, I'm more along the lines of a meat-eating-appreciator of animals.
     I enjoy raising chickens and selling the eggs to people who want to buy "Organic" for about $4.00 a dozen so I can stop by Stater Brothers and get a dozen for about a buck. I believe animals are here to either feed us, or serve us. Except for my dog Pixie. She gets away with not doing much more than barking at the occasional neighbor passing by. She is about 9 years old now. My faithful companion. Loyal, adoring. And...well, stinky. Not by choice. She is just old. With rotting teeth. We actually refer to her at times, as Zombie-dog. I know she is in need of some teeth being extracted, but whats stopping me is a vet bill.
     Now hear me out before you judge.  I am a responsible pet owner. I get  them spayed, they have their immunizations and are supplied food, fresh water and shelter at all times. Which brings me to our visit to the vet....I got a coupon in the mail for a FREE pet exam, and if it's free, it's for me.
     At the office visit, Pixie was well taken care of and given enough doggy treats to feed a pack of feral dogs. She was happy, I was happy. Until the doctor told me the treatment necessary and of course the cost of said treatment. $250. Plus. I then asked how much euthanasia cost. The doctors mouth actually fell open.
     You see, in my home we have a cap for animal care costs. It is about $100. Anything over that and we either try to do it ourselves, or as my friend recently said to me, "We snuff  'em out".In a humane way of course. I wouldn't get my machete out or anything like that.  In our society, we have begun to place the value of our pets above people. We have twisted our thinking to the point that we will do anything for them. We even have little  doggy outfits. It's wrong people. It's just wrong. Animals should serve us, we should not dress them up.
     If you are wondering what became of Zombie, oops I mean Pixie, I have to admit to you that I was a coward. After the doctor acted like I was a serial killer for even suggesting that I put her down, I respectfully declined her recommended treatment and decided to keep her and treat her with a special ($25. disinfecting) mouthwash. I'm a sucker. And FYI, she is sitting here next to me, and of course I have a jasmine scented candle burning to help kill the smell.
     Till next time,
     Miss Jodi

Corn-Fed

  


     Lets face it, embarrassing your teenager is great entertainment. It's going to happen anyway, so you may as well enjoy it. To get you started, I have compiled 5 tips that have helped me in my Teenager Mortification Career that might just assist you in mastering your new hobby:
     1.) Talk like them.
     You can do this by visiting a website with something called Memes. Simply enter Memes into your search engine. Once there you will find a wide variety of different topics to look at. Choose one, especially one that looks familiar and pull it up. Here is a sample from the recent Olympics. It is titled, "McKayla is not impressed."

     You could, as an example, insert this phrase into a conversation you may be having with your teen after school...
     Teen: "Hey Mom, I got an A on my English essay today!"
     Mom: (While making this face and folding your arms just like McKayla) "McKayla is not impressed." You could also use words from your High School years. Cool. Dope. Rad. You get the idea.Or, you could make something up and use it in place of a common word. At our house, we use the phrase "Corn-Fed." We use it in place of pretty much anything, which makes it HIGHLY annoying to our kids. For instance, "Hey, did you see that the Lakers won last night? That was CORN-FED!" Or, "I thought I asked you to take out the trash an HOUR ago! You're acting really CORN-FED right now!"

 

     2.) Dress like them:
     Watch carefully how the kids at your child's school are dressing. Saggy pants for the boys? Skinny jeans for the girls? Chalked hair? Facial piercings? Find several trends and begin following them.What I have found to work best, is a trend that my own child is doing. You could even go so far as to "Borrow" from their closet.



     3.)  Public displays of affection with them:
     Do you have special nick name for each of your family members? Pookie? Kitten? Boo-boo-Bear? Stinkie-Bottom? The worse it is, the bigger the reaction you will get. Especially in front of their peers. Another PDA would be insisting on a kiss or a hug, or patting their back. Any of these would work well.



     4.)  Public displays of affection with your spouse:
     OK this is where it gets fun. You think nicknames with the kids got a good reaction? Try using your spouses special nickname when in public. Or better yet, get a good kiss. In front of everyone. And act like you don't notice anyone else around you. You know, like when you were dating? Even an approving, "Mmm Hmmmmm." while giving your Snookims an approving once over would work.
This is some serious gross factoring here for the kids.


     5.)Dance in front of their friends:
     Again, the Internet is your friend. Look up "Popular dances," and try to perfect them. Better yet? Make up your own.Then, when their friends come over and a song comes on, you can show them your skills. The best thing to do is an old move from your day. Break dance, Disco, The Hustle, you get it right? Expect gagging noises and eye rolling.
     As you practice these five tips, I guarantee you will come up with some of your own. Feel free to let me know what you do. I could always use some fresh ideas.
     Word
     Miss Jodi
    
     

The bunny

    
     Remember the Russel Stover solid milk chocolate Easter bunny? I would always start with the ears. Then the feet. Pretty soon he was just a head and body. I would usually get sick of him and end up putting him away in a drawer, well hidden from my siblings until I decided to finish him off. Of course by then he was covered with lint and no longer appealing, so I'd throw his remains in the trash. I did eat the whole thing once. I got sicker than a dog too. I wouldn't recommend it. Ever.

     Today however, I could polish one off in two bites. Because they are HOLLOW! Whose horrible idea was that? I understand cutting corners, but a hollow chocolate bunny? THAT is depressing. As a matter of fact, it leaves me feeling empty inside....
     Happy Easter Y'all, and remember, it's not about the bunny.
     Till next time,
     Miss Jodi
    

Kids eat free

     We don't eat out together with our family much any more. Oh, it's not that we don't enjoy it. And thank God we are past the "Toddler"years when just going out is putting yourself at risk for public humiliation, not to mention dirty looks from parent with grown children who have forgotten what it is like, or the whispers. You know what I'm talking about, the whispers of, "If SOME people would only teach their children to behave, we could enjoy this meal!" (Not that I would ever be so judgemental...well, not since I had my own kids anyway.)
     The real reason? It's because my kids no longer eat off the kids menu. Yep. They don't even qualify for the "Kids-eat-free-between-the hours-of-4:00-and-4:13-pm-on-the-2nd-Thursday-of every-month-ending-in-ST." And good grief it's expensive! If we DO go out, you'll find me whispering loudly, "Water ONLY, NO SODA!!!" Because a soft drink is another $3.50 a person. I wouldn't say we are cheap. We just like getting something for what we pay for, and a memory of a luke-warm-overpriced-cheeseburger just ain't gonna cut it.
     If you ask me (And c'mon, by now you know well enough that you don't need to), I think that restaurants might want to consider having a "Young adult menu." They could put a bunch of junk food on it, which is easy to fix and inexpensive, make it a dollar or two cheaper than the regular menu, and add a free soft drink. Did you know it costs less than .50 a soda anyway? I know I would go. Not often, but more frequently than I do now. Or, how about a "Parents eat free night?" THAT, my friends, would get me in the door.
     Until then, we will eat at home, Thank you very much.
     Miss Jodi

Donut delights

     I never really liked donuts very much. Maybe because we grew up with a cheesy Windmill shaped donut shop up the street, and Momma had the habit of going there every few days and buying the "Day-olds." So, perhaps the fact that all the donuts I ever ate were stale and dry with flaky icing on them had something to do with it. I just didn't understand the Krispy-Kreme craze a few years back, or why everyone was so nuts about Winchell's. I did actually try  a Krispy-Kreme once, and didn't find it to be spectacular in any way, shape or form.
     Until......... for some reason, still unclear to this day, we bought a dozen donuts from the grocery store. Thought it would be nice to have for breakfast on a Sunday morning. Sounds innocent enough, right? Little did I know, that when I bit into that ordinary grocery store-chocolate-glazed donut, it would awake in me, donut desires I never even knew existed. Rapturous. Euphoric. Bliss. Surrender. Abandon.
     Slightly sweet, soft, fluffy, dough. Deep fried to a golden perfection. And, as if all that donut goodness  wasn't enough? It was topped with a sugary glaze, and THEN? THEN, top that with chocolate frosting! (Insert the voices of angels singing here) I was no longer satisfied with the careless picking apart and dissection of a donut, which was then carelessly cast aside like a candy wrapper. No. It took two, Yes you read correctly. Two donuts to satisfy me.
     I wisely decided that donuts and I had an unhealthy relationship. We could no longer be together. The days of Glazed and Crullers, Boston filled creme and Long Johns, Sprinkled, Buttermilk glazed, and Old fashioned-Cake, must come to an end. I said good bye to my fluffy, glazed and frosted voluptuous lover. But not forever....Every once in a while, he still calls to me. It starts as a whisper, and slowly becomes a clear voice. Usually from the Sunrise Donut shop on Main Street, sometimes from the grocery store. He calls to me. And I answer.
     Hungry for donuts
     Miss Jodi